i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
