That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..