i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.