Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."