i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.