I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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