there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
