What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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