Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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