So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
