If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
BRING THE BAGELS
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
