Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
