It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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