ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
