he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
