my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
