hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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