I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
