Pregnant stripper...not hot.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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