god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Randomize
