I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
