Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
