My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
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i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
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I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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