I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
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The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
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I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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