it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
