Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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