i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
