I could make wine with my vomit
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
