Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
accomplished twins. life is a go
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
