Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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