Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
