Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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