btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Randomize
