it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
