You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
