i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
