I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
