I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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