I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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