all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
