im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
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Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
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He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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