I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
