Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
