Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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