Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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