Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
