I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
