what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
