Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
