If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
