2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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