the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
