Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
