3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Randomize
