Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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