i just google imaged poop.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
