Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
