i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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