Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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